Funerals are moments of deep vulnerability. Families and friends gather not only to say goodbye, but also to support one another through grief. Yet, in these emotionally charged settings, words spoken with good intentions can sometimes do more harm than comfort.

Psychologists and grief counselors agree that what we say at a funeral matters greatly. Certain phrases, though common, can unintentionally dismiss pain, reopen wounds, or make mourners feel misunderstood. Here are four things you should never say at a funeral—and why silence or empathy is often the better choice.

1. “They’re in a better place now.”

While meant to offer comfort, this phrase can feel dismissive to someone who is overwhelmed by loss. For the grieving, no “better place” can replace the presence of the person they loved. It may also conflict with personal beliefs, making the remark feel intrusive rather than soothing.

What to say instead:
“I’m so sorry for your loss. They meant so much to you.”

2. “At least they lived a long life.”

Length of life does not lessen the pain of losing it. Whether someone lived for decades or only a short time, grief does not operate on logic or comparison. This statement can make mourners feel guilty for still feeling devastated.

What to say instead:
“I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”

3. “I know exactly how you feel.”

No two experiences of grief are the same. Saying this may unintentionally shift the focus away from the bereaved and onto your own experiences. It can feel as though their unique pain is being simplified.

What to say instead:
“I may not fully understand your pain, but I’m here for you.”

4. “Be strong for your family.”

Grief requires space, not pressure. Asking someone to “be strong” can imply that showing sadness is a weakness. In reality, allowing emotions to surface is a healthy part of mourning.

What to say instead:
“It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling right now.”

Why Fewer Words Can Mean More

In moments of loss, presence often speaks louder than language. A gentle nod, a quiet hug, or simply listening can offer more comfort than any carefully chosen phrase. Grief experts emphasize that empathy, patience, and respect for silence are often the greatest gifts you can give.

At a funeral, there is no perfect thing to say—but there are words best left unsaid. When in doubt, lead with compassion, and remember that being there matters more than saying anything at all.