7 Golden Rules for When Couples Are at War

If you don’t want to turn into an abusive husband or a “lioness” wife, then fists and claws are not a way to communicate.

Here are 7 golden rules for handling marital conflicts:

1. Keep it behind closed doors
Both partners want to save face and don’t want their private matters exposed.
Never argue in front of parents, relatives, neighbors, friends, or in public places. This is a top rule in any conflict.
Especially avoid arguing in front of children. Young children are emotionally vulnerable and can be deeply affected. They may feel unloved and confused about which parent to side with.

2. Don’t dig up the past
Arguments often drift far beyond the original issue. What starts as a disagreement over daily habits—dirty shoes, overly salty food, or being slow—can turn into a list of past mistakes.
Worse, it may escalate into labeling someone’s character (“you’re a liar,” “you’re careless”) or even attacking their upbringing. At that point, self-respect is hurt, and reconciliation becomes very difficult.

3. Don’t hang up abruptly
When arguing on the phone, no one should abruptly hang up. If it happens, the person who did it should call back and apologize.
If your spouse hangs up first, wait a few minutes and then call back. When they reconnect, accept it graciously and let the issue cool down.

4. Words only, no violence
If you don’t want to become a violent spouse, never use physical force.
Harsh words may fade, but physical actions leave lasting damage. Even after the conflict cools down, the memory—and marks—of violence make forgiveness extremely hard.

5. Don’t throw things
Many couples throw objects when arguing—phones, TV remotes, anything within reach.
This is reckless. Even if no one is injured, the argument becomes far more serious. Not to mention the cost of replacing broken items—money that would be better spent on reconciliation than repairs.

6. Don’t be irrationally jealous
Jealousy can be a sign of love, but it’s also rooted in selfishness. If you’re going to accuse or question your partner, make sure it’s based on facts—not assumptions or suspicion.
Don’t overreact just because your partner hasn’t explained a phone call or meeting yet. There may be a reason they can’t share immediately. Be patient and gentle.
If your partner is jealous of you, explain calmly. If needed, ask a third party who knows the situation to clarify the truth.

7. Don’t provoke or act indifferent
Phrases like “If you dare, go ahead” or “Do whatever you want, I don’t care anymore” should never be said during an argument.
Such provocations can trigger destructive reactions—objects smashed, tempers exploding.
An indifferent attitude may also signal that you want to go your separate ways, making your partner feel there’s no reason left to fight for the relationship.